Isn’t it amazing how music can draw us back in time, making our memories feel as if they were just yesterday? Jeremy Camp’s song “He Knows” came on my worship playlist this afternoon, and as I let the words wash over me, they brought me back to a moment when I heard those words when I needed them most, a moment when time stood still.
All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low
It was a dreary morning at the end of February 2017. My husband Steve was driving us home from the doctor’s office where I had just gotten blood drawn for the second time that week. I was numb and scared. The blood test results would reveal whether or not we had lost our first baby. I was pretty sure we had, but there was still a small glimmer of hope that remained until we received confirmation from the doctor.
And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show
It was a weird feeling, as I sensed that it might be just the two of us again. We had barely known about the pregnancy, but we had been overjoyed with expectation. God had answered our prayers, and we had gotten pregnant quickly. And already I had been calling our baby a “he.” Did you know that at conception a baby already has the genetic makeup that will determine the sex, physical appearance, intelligence, and personality of the baby? But could our little guy be gone so quickly? We hadn’t even gotten the chance to share the news with our families yet.
All the doubt you’re standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees
Over the course of a few days I felt more helpless than I ever have before. I knew we must be losing the baby, yet there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. Despite the hurt and the gravity of the situation, I had a complete confidence that the Lord has every hair on my head numbered and knew every detail of what was happening with my body and with the baby. I prayed that He would give me the strength to endure, patience to wait on Him, peaceful comfort amidst the craziness that was happening, and wisdom in anything I needed to do. “God knows” was the summary of what gave me complete peace.
He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
Steve’s hand gripped mine tightly as we drove home, and Jeremy Camp’s words rang out over the radio like a beacon of light pouring into our weary and wondering hearts. “He knows,” I said aloud to Steve as a tear rolled down my cheek. We sat in silence as the words tumbled peace into our souls.
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the One
Who knows
He knows
The next morning I received the test results online before the nurse called. I was grateful to have a moment to grieve alone with Steve before the nurse called to make the news final. Our baby was gone.
We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the One who knows
The days and weeks and months following were all a road to recovery: physical, emotional, spiritual. The grief would hit at moments when we didn’t expect it, but Steve and I have grown in our faith as well as our relationship with each other. We have comforted each other in ways that are profound. A spouse is such a blessed companion!
The chains of doubt that held you in between
One by one are starting to break free
Our baby was only here with us for a few weeks, but we loved him and prayed for him. Life is so precious and fragile, and the Lord determines the number of our days. We praise God for His sovereign control over even the tiny life of our first child, and we know that God works all things for good. We trust Him in the difficulty of loss, because He is always good. A year later now as we continue to wait on the Lord to bless us with a new little one, I’m learning that life is not a science; it is a miracle of God. “The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything” (Acts 17:24-25).
Every time that you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the brokenhearted
Every tear
He knowsHe knows
We go about our lives, making plans for ourselves. And when things do go our way, we often forget that we are not in control of these things. But when things don’t go our way, we take notice. These months since the miscarriage, I have had to come face to face with God’s continual answer of not now — WAIT. My heart has hurt deeply as I have lain in Steve’s arms, a puddle of grief and tears and doubt. Is God still good if He currently says NO because He has other plans for us right now? Can He still be good if the answer eventually turns into NEVER? It’s a hard thing to wrestle with unmet desires.
He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
Habbakuk 3 and Daniel 3 tell of two demonstrations of a strong faith in the Lord. Even when something looks empty to us, YET we can rejoice and take joy in the Lord. God is able to deliver, BUT IF NOT, our devotion to and trust in Him can still stand firm — because our God IS good, and He controls all things. Our hope in Christ goes far beyond what we see and understand. We can trust because He knows.
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the One
Who knows
When God says wait, it gives us the opportunity to take our eyes off of what we want and back onto Him. His ways are always higher than ours, and He has a purpose greater and grander than we could imagine or plan out on our own. When He asks us to wait, sometimes He wants us to stop looking at what He hasn’t given us and wholeheartedly embrace what He has and is giving us. Our lives are never void or empty when we are seeking Him, serving Him, and rejoicing in Him one day at a time. We don’t know what the future holds, but…
He knows
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